the same complaint

I realize, things will not be easy from now on. Aside from graduation, i still have to think of the board exam, the review in davao, my future job, friends.. and everything else. i miss the people who make me smile. I miss the fun and adventure of having them around. i guess i just feel sad since i'm left alone. I want to think that I'm still okay on my own, but when it gets quiet, the tears show. like hell.

i wish this would stop. i need to take a break. badly.

A Photoshop Realization

After

Before

mao ni resulta sa ala gatulog g ala gkaon.

In case you were wondering what that meant, both pics are the same, except for a few touches on the first. The 2nd one is real (with the eyebags and everything). The first is a copy of the edited one. Haha! Cute daw ko pg chubby ang face! whaaa!!!! Well, I like the first one. I hope I could gain that face soon. I'm practically starving myself to death that's why I earned that (2nd) face. Anyway, that was a cute experience. Hihi! I still get a laugh at it!

Grabe! I ought to fix things right now. Huhu! Start with sleeping early and NO PHOTOSHOP! but,how can I? I've just downloaded new background photos! hahai!

Welcome to U.S.A

California? No! It's still a part of USA which stands for "unahan sa acmunan!" hahaha!
Well, that's our little joke of the little heaven. It's really a wonderful place [very photogenic!] Trees are everywhere and buildings are really majestic.

Worthless

Worthless

He once told me that I am beautiful. He gave me roses – my favorite – and told me I was even more beautiful than those pretty things. He never really said that he loved me, at first. Yet, he proved it in the words he said, in his manners, and his treatment towards me as a woman. I believed that he respected me and cared for me more than anything else in the world. He knew I felt the same way too and we shared a love that stood against all odds.

Then he left. I have known it before. He never kept anything from me. He promised to come back when he’d be ready to claim me. I gave in – reluctantly - and sent him away, hoping that his promise to be back would come soon.

Days became lonelier after he had gone. He was the focus of my life and now, I felt like a nomad in the point of indirection. He had gone and I just couldn’t accept it. Yet, despite my miseries, he continued to care. My phone beeped almost everyday with messages from him, reminding me how much he missed me. One time, he even sang to me, crooning about how I would always be beautiful in his eyes. I held on to that thought, knowing that I was accepted, cared and loved for who I am.

Soon, the calls and the messages became less and less frequent, making me grow anxious every day. I tossed in bed at night, wondering what had become of him or if he had already forgotten about me. Then I cried myself to sleep, thinking how much I had missed him. I kept myself busy every day just so I wouldn’t have to keep him in my thoughts, but he was always there. I scraped most of my allowance just so I could call him and talk to him at night when everybody else was asleep. Yet, he didn’t seem so excited about talking to me. He mostly talks about his friends and the silliness they put themselves into, and I try to laugh at every funny thing he blabs about. I’m happy that he is happy and I knew I couldn’t ask for more, but, was that all?

Sometimes, he’d ask me how I was doing, and I’d tell him that I’m fine. Just that. I didn’t want him to know about my misery, my pain of missing him, my agony of longing for him. I didn’t want him to know how my heart breaks when a day passes that I don’t hear anything from him. I didn’t want him to see how my eyes bleed with tears that he won’t be able to wipe away. I try to keep up with my innocent laughter. After all, that’s what he loved about me. I never seemed to worry about anything.

His calls dwindled fewer and fewer as more weeks passed by. He had no time to call during Christmas or New Year’s Eve. His phone is mostly out of coverage and even if it does ring, he seldom takes time to answer it. He was always busy and it made me miss him more. What’s worse is, the more I missed him the more demanding I got. He did try to keep up with my demands. That included answering the phone late at night or early dawn, forcing his attention on me despite his sleepy state or giving in to my whims when I flare up or get angry. He tried to be angelic while I was playing devil to him all the time.

Then, one night, he had enough.

It was one of those tantrum nights when I start calling him at midnight and demanding his attention. I do that often. I start crying and accusing him of giving up on me. I would enumerate his past mistakes just to show him how much he owes me. Then I demand a break-up and he would start begging for another chance.

This time, however, there was no room for second chances. Not that I didn’t give it but because he never begged for it again. He gave me up, just like that.

I was struck dumb for a few moments. He went on to tell me how insensitive I was, that I never tried to understand his situation, and that I never cared for his feelings. He told me I was just like those girls who took him for granted in the past – worthless.

I wished I could say more, but my eyes were beginning to show my pain. I was just as worthless as them and it hurt me more for what it meant rather than for how he had said it. I tried to be calm, so I could think. And, when I got my senses back, I thanked him for everything and hanged up.

It was 4 hours before my first period class and I didn’t want to doze off in front of my professor. So I tried to go to sleep, crying.

-TigerLily

(I'm supposed to pass this to the Collage '09. I just can't resist the urge to post this here first!)

New Year - new life (hopefully)

It's been so long since I last looked at this page. The new year has obviously got a lot to do with this. Well, I was sort of cooped up last Christmas. There was no one to share the beach walks with me. Being alone entails its miseries too. Despite having all the freedom to act foolish, there was just no one to mess up with.

People have been quite nasty to me last year. I had lots of sorry memories too. There were some regrets (that included letting go) and some tearjerking moments while facing that damn phone which doesn't ring anymore. I missed being with some friends, quite happy that no one's messing with me and very alone.

Well, this year, I hope things would start to look better. I have lots of promises - all of them broken. I look forward to fixing them. I'm up to establishing life plans and goals after graduation this year and hopefully ( really hopefully) wishing I'd see him again. it's been a long time...

Things got out of hand after he had gone. I can't control anything - especially the agony of missing him. I still wish the teary nights would end. I have vertigo. I'm tired.

But then, if things do get better, I just wish it would be. No matter how hard I try, I'd never get over it. I'd need the will to stop. It would be difficult. But, I'll try to make things normal again.

My wish?

i wish for a new life. Something worth living for. I just need a reason to live, and love freely. I don't know if I could make it, but I'll start to give back.

Then will I know that I could be truly happy.

Still Tomorrow

I've been thinking more like losing grip now. I've been through too much at these times and basically, I do want to relax. I wanted to get a grip on things that' been keeping me away from the world. I wanted to spend the last drop of money on omething that would make me happy. But this just has to stop.

I'm going to Davao next week. I need to get a grip on things and I want things to turn out well. I miss my life.

One Special Gift

True Love can be in actions instead of words

By Ma. Glaiza Lee
(Manila Bulletin, November 28, 2008)

“How long have we been friends?”

That question broke the silence. He had been sitting in the sofa for the past hour or so. I couldn’t see him, but I felt his presence. I don’t know why or how, but I just knew when he was around.

He had not made any sound because he knew that it was forbidden to make any noise when I’m reading a book, especially now that I’m just learning how to read in Braille.

I am partially blind. My blindness wasn’t congenital. It was cause by an accident almost two years ago. My family and I were on our way to Baguio when a delivery truck hit our vehicle. The truck driver was drunk and he lost control of the steering wheel.

Splinters from the window shield pierced my eyes and damaged the cornea. We consulted several doctors, and they recommended a cornea transplant. Just a few days ago, we received some good news. My doctor found a donor whose eyes perfectly matched mine, and the operation was scheduled a week from now.

I turned my head to where Daniel was sitting. “What’s wrong with you? Lately, you’re becoming very mushy,” I joked.

I’d noticed it, but didn’t pay much attention. I was busy with school and the coming holidays. But, Daniel wasn’t himself these past few days. His voice was not its usual cheerful tone. He sounded exhausted.

These past weeks, he failed to fetch me after my classes ended, which was really unusual. Ever since we became friends, he hadn’t missed a day. We were friends ever since “we were conceived” as our parents put it.

I didn’t see it, but I knew he smiled at my joke. He sat beside me, and I felt him look me in the eyes as if I would be able to see his face.

“Elisha, if there will be a time when I won’t be there for you… it isn’t my intention,” he whispered. With a quizzical look, I ask him why he was telling me these things, but he didn’t answer and just hugged me tight.

***

A few days before Christmas, I was lying on the hospital bed, dressed in a hospital gown and getting psyched up for the operation. I had waited for this time, but I was so scared. My family and I were hoping the operation would go smoothly.
“I can’t wait to see your face again,” I told Daniel who was sitting by my bedside, holding my hand. Sometimes, he would squeeze it as if telling me that everything would be all right. He took my right hand, and brushed his lips on it.

“I can’t wait for you to see the world as I see it,” he whispered in my ears and dropped a kiss on my forehead before I was whisked to the operating room.

It had been a week since the operation. I was able to see again, all the colors, lights, shapes, and everything around me. It was like leaving the darkness which has enveloped me the past two years, and finally dwelling in the light again.

It was Christmas. Strangely, Daniel wasn’t around when I first opened my eyes after the operation. I asked my parents, even called his house, asking if they knew where he was. But they couldn’t give me a straight answer.

I couldn’t wait to see Daniel. Maybe, he was just preparing a surprise for me. It was typical of him to do that, I thought. And I couldn’t wait to see what it was.

When the doorbell rang, I was ecstatic. I was pretty sure it would be Daniel and his family. I kissed Daniel’s parents as they entered. I looked behind them to see Daniel, but he wasn’t with them.

I peeped outside the gate, maybe he was just around somewhere. But no, he was nowhere. I looked at his parents who were standing beside my parents at the patio. Why did it seem there was sadness in their eyes?

Before I could open my mouth to ask them where Daniel was, his mother handed me a gift wrapped in silver paper with a red ribbon. When I opened it, it revealed the cashmere dress I’d always wanted. Only Daniel knew about it.

A card fell when I pulled the dress from the box. My name was scribbled on the envelope. I knew that handwriting. It was Daniel’s.

“Dear Elisha,” the letter began. “If you are reading this, then I will be very happy because it means the operation was successful. I just wish I was there to witness it, and share that special moment with you. But I won’t be there. Not because I don’t want to, but because fate won’t permit it.

“Remember that summer we spent in Baguio? You looked very lovely in that pink dress and yet you were crying because you couldn’t go out and play in the rain. It pained me to see you crying so I did everything to stop you from crying and wipe the tears away. I promised from that day I would do everything to make you happy. I would protect you and shield you. No one and nothing would hurt you, if I could help it.

“We’ve known each other since we were born. And you’re my best friend. We’ve shared everything and anything. My days are not complete without seeing you. I’m always anticipating those cute smiles and I love hearing those hearty laughs. They brighten up my days. I always wanted to be the one to put those smiles on your face and be the reason why you laugh.

“Yes, Elisha, I’ve been in love with you since that summer…” Tears started to fall. I didn’t know. I have no idea. How could I not notice it?

Don’t blame yourself. I did everything to keep it a secret. Don’t get mad. I know we promised that we shouldn’t keep any secrets from each other. I’m afraid of rejection and that you might not feel the same way and soon, I would lose even our friendship. I couldn’t take that so I kept it.

“This was hard for me, not to be there to share the milestones of your life, hold you when you’re afraid and pick you up when you stumble. But my time is up. I can’t stay much longer, even if I want to.

“Three years ago, I was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was already on its final stage. The doctors couldn’t do anything. They gave me just a year to live. I lasted for another year because of you. The thought that I would leave you alone strengthened my will to survive, if not prolong my days.

But he was already calling me. He had given me much more than I hoped for. It’s time I go back to him, and stay with Him. This is not goodbye. This is just a temporary separation. We’ll see each other again… in another time and place. Take care of my eyes. I’m sure they look lovely on you… Love, Daniel.”