I'll spend my Christmas with you

the christmas song owl city mp3 | lyrics

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You're All I want for Christmas...

All I want for Christmas

.Another teddy bear
.another hug
.a box of chocolates
.a red rose
.a trip to the beach
.a coke float
.warm coffee trips with Him
.a silly old movie
.a camera

yan lang.... I am officially accepting christmas gifts today!

Moments of Sheer Joy

I have always been happy with friends. But lately, I am thinking of being alone.

Advantages?
.I get lots of thinking time
.I can do anything I want
.I can sleep
.I can cry
.I get to be Me

Disadvantages?
.mingaw
.still mingaw...
.very mingaw....

so i Cry...

And that's why I have friends who come around at these times of my life. They do make me happy...

My New Accounts!!!

Check out my new sites:

www.casefourteen.tumblr.com
www.tokaifourteen.twitter.com

I loe it when you...

make me smile... <3 <3 <3

Sunset at Butuan

I'm starting out a new thing... It's called Photos of the Weekend [as suggested by sir rhoen].. and here's my first slot... watch out for more!

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Blessed Sunset

I took this shot last Saturday, October 24, at the NEMM Balcony. We just had our last number at NEMA that afternoon and we were on our way back to the mission office when I first noticed this sight. Sir Rhoen was also holding out his EOS too, trying to capture the beautiful moment while we were still on our ride home.

Anyway, after a few shots at the balcony, I stepped back to admire God’s masterpiece. As I look at it, I thought of the many ways that God blessed me, my family and the group. God has been really good to me. I couldn’t imagine how he could love me more...

The good Life

This is what life gives me after a few stressful hours... hahai... but it's a really good life ata..

Poker Face

Collage requirement naq ni. I'm not supposed to post this yet... but it would be good if you wna read...

Poker Face September 3, 2009

By Tigerlily

“I hate you!”

My mind almost screamed these words out as I sat there, staring blankly at nowhere, fighting back tears. I’m already nineteen but they always treat me like I’m still nine. It’s always the same scene every night and I hate it. He, She and Me…

My blank expression seemed to infuriate her more because she kept shouting at me. I just shook my head. It’s always the same tale – “I don’t know what to do with you… You make me tired… I’m sick of this… You should be disciplined… You should be grounded…”

But mama…! – my brother cut in. He always has something in mind to defend himself, while I always stayed quiet. It’s no wonder why mama and papa preferred him than me despite his low grades and his lack of extracurricular activities. He’s always honest about what he feels.

“Ate always spoke harshly. I want to talk to her nicely but she’s always hotheaded. She always insults me… She doesn’t listen…” His voice trailed off. He continued on his seemingly unending tales about my coldness while I kept the blank expression on my face.

“Always the squealer... and what do you think of yourself?!” I said to myself.

I tried to divert my thoughts to the paperwork that I needed to finish. Yes. I should be thinking of it. Most of my papers are due this week and there are still a lot of things to be done. I started sorting the thoughts in my mind wishing that the litany would stop so I could get back to my work. But his outburst continued. It felt like he didn’t want to stop. I rolled my eyes and tossed my head back, heaving a sigh.

His loud sobs filled the quiet room. Dammit! He’s not a kid anymore, he’s 15!

“Ate…” mama’s stern voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Hmm?” I kept the blank expression.

“What can you say about this?”

I shook my head. More sobs.

I just wanted to get out of the room at that minute. I wished I could shed crocodile tears or walk out to end it. But I sat still. Poker-faced.

My thoughts hit reverse and played back scenes from grade school. Papa left me alone at a big school where I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have any friends and I cried on the bus ride back to my grandpa’s house. They’ve always treated me as if I were independent even at an early age that I’ve never learned how to deal with people who contradict me. Mama’s always busy that she seldom spent time to see me at school. All of them had big hopes for me – no, gigantic ones. True, they didn’t pressure me that much, but, being alone, I felt that need to be more than what they expected of me. I brought medals home every March and people started seeing a bright future in me. But it was lonely at the top. I hated it.

I’ve never wanted it. All I wanted was a story before bedtime, a dad who could teach me how to ride the bike, a brother who would play marbles with me and a mom who would tuck me to bed and kiss me good night. At ten years old, I realized that I wished for too much. I should be satisfied with what I have. This was how they loved me and I should understand. After all, it’s for the best. But, I didn’t. I drifted farther away from them.

I grew more negligent as I entered high school. I crashed my grades, opposed my teachers and disrespected authority – trying with all my might to be noticed without going overboard. The worst situation I put myself into was begging at the principal’s office not to let mama know about my offenses – half rebellious but half grateful that they kept it from her.

The tenses changed too. The ‘is’ in “She is a very promising young girl”, was replaced by a ‘was’. It’s funny how things had changed so suddenly… and how easily the trust had gone.

“Ate… Are you listening?” Fast-forward to present time.

“Yes… Ma.” I answered faintly.

My brother broke into another sobbing fit once more.

“Looks like I’d be stranded here for another half hour…” I murmured glancing at the wall clock. It’s already 10:00pm. I should be in bed by now.

“Sniff…. Sniff…”

“When will he stop crying?” I asked myself.

“Sniff… Sniff… Ate… sobs….”

“Nak… Come on, tell me.” Mama rubbed his back to soothe him.

“Duh! Still the crybaby even at 15!” I silently retorted.

My brother, being the youngest, was the baby of the family. He always had his own way of making mama agree with him at most times. What he lacked academically, he made up in his sincerity and honesty. I’m far more different. I could easily fake a smile whenever necessary and put on a face to hide what I feel inside. I’m the moody and tactless type, he’s the nice one. I brought home the A’s while he tried his best to be like me. I wouldn’t want mama disturbing me when I work while he disturbs mama every night for his homework. We shared the same room that’s why we fought every time even over the smallest of things. I didn’t like him simply because I had the impression that he didn’t like me too. In fact, I could care less about him. I’m better off alone anyway.

More sobs – louder this time. It’s starting to irritate me. “Why won’t he stop?!”

“Nak… It’s okay to tell me what’s wrong. I’m listening…” mama kept on soothing him.

I looked away – expressionless.

“Ate… Do you want to say something?” Mama asked.

I raised a brow then looked away again. The hell I care.

“Sniff… sniff… see mama… sniff…” he heaved big, deep sighs.

“She… sniff… she… more sobs… she doesn’t… she doesn’t… like me…” I stared at him for one brief moment, and then looked away again.

“I… I love her mama…” he buried his face in his hands, then there was silence.

“It’s okay nak…” mama calmed him down.

“Come now… here’s a hanky. Wipe your nose then you can hug your ate.” Mama urged.

He stood up, bent down and hugged me. I sat still – almost as motionless as a stone, his towering figure closing in on me. I didn’t know how to react to my 15-year-old brother’s tight embrace. It just struck me. We’re not kids anymore.

He opened the door as I shook my head to brush a stray tear escaping from my eyelids. My thoughts were clouded by his words. If it were me, I’d have kept silent. I’ve never told him anything like that. But he… even at 15, he had the courage to be honest about it.

After he had gone, mama whispered while pushing back the long hair strands that covered my expressionless face, “You know better. You’re a big girl now…”

I was speechless for a moment. “I have to finish my stuff…” I said, preparing to walk out of the room.

“Don’t take too long nak… You have to sleep early.” She reminded.

I went straight to the kitchen for my coffee. I couldn’t cry now. The tears probably dried up inside. I’m all dried up inside. I wish I did what was to be done but I just stood there, leaning at the sink – staring blankly into nothing.

The cup was finally as empty as my mind; but as much as I wanted to, I knew, I couldn’t sleep yet. I hate it when I’m guilty. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t cry. I decided to go to the room and rest, but he might still be awake… It doesn’t matter. I went in.

His face seemed to glow as I put out the light and switched the night lamp on. He was sleeping so serenely. I sat by his bedside and studied his face for a few fleeting moments. My baby brother’s finally grown older. I want to kiss him, hug him tightly as he hugged me and tell him I love him too. But I just decided to go to bed. I know that it’s better done than just said. After all, I know better. I’m already nineteen…

Dumbstruck

I sit silent as I try to imagine how to change things. Should I walk out? Leave him there alone? I can't tell how much pain I've been trying to hide. As if I could hide it.

You still love me...dba? I froze.

He's damn right. The longing to stay was far greater than wanting to run. He's damn right. I couldn't escape reality forever. He stared straight to my eyes. I turned to look away, half-wishing that I'd melt.

Speechless.

Why did he always have to be right?

Why can't I answer him back?

I just stood there. Dumbstruck.

the same complaint

I realize, things will not be easy from now on. Aside from graduation, i still have to think of the board exam, the review in davao, my future job, friends.. and everything else. i miss the people who make me smile. I miss the fun and adventure of having them around. i guess i just feel sad since i'm left alone. I want to think that I'm still okay on my own, but when it gets quiet, the tears show. like hell.

i wish this would stop. i need to take a break. badly.

A Photoshop Realization

After

Before

mao ni resulta sa ala gatulog g ala gkaon.

In case you were wondering what that meant, both pics are the same, except for a few touches on the first. The 2nd one is real (with the eyebags and everything). The first is a copy of the edited one. Haha! Cute daw ko pg chubby ang face! whaaa!!!! Well, I like the first one. I hope I could gain that face soon. I'm practically starving myself to death that's why I earned that (2nd) face. Anyway, that was a cute experience. Hihi! I still get a laugh at it!

Grabe! I ought to fix things right now. Huhu! Start with sleeping early and NO PHOTOSHOP! but,how can I? I've just downloaded new background photos! hahai!

Welcome to U.S.A

California? No! It's still a part of USA which stands for "unahan sa acmunan!" hahaha!
Well, that's our little joke of the little heaven. It's really a wonderful place [very photogenic!] Trees are everywhere and buildings are really majestic.

Worthless

Worthless

He once told me that I am beautiful. He gave me roses – my favorite – and told me I was even more beautiful than those pretty things. He never really said that he loved me, at first. Yet, he proved it in the words he said, in his manners, and his treatment towards me as a woman. I believed that he respected me and cared for me more than anything else in the world. He knew I felt the same way too and we shared a love that stood against all odds.

Then he left. I have known it before. He never kept anything from me. He promised to come back when he’d be ready to claim me. I gave in – reluctantly - and sent him away, hoping that his promise to be back would come soon.

Days became lonelier after he had gone. He was the focus of my life and now, I felt like a nomad in the point of indirection. He had gone and I just couldn’t accept it. Yet, despite my miseries, he continued to care. My phone beeped almost everyday with messages from him, reminding me how much he missed me. One time, he even sang to me, crooning about how I would always be beautiful in his eyes. I held on to that thought, knowing that I was accepted, cared and loved for who I am.

Soon, the calls and the messages became less and less frequent, making me grow anxious every day. I tossed in bed at night, wondering what had become of him or if he had already forgotten about me. Then I cried myself to sleep, thinking how much I had missed him. I kept myself busy every day just so I wouldn’t have to keep him in my thoughts, but he was always there. I scraped most of my allowance just so I could call him and talk to him at night when everybody else was asleep. Yet, he didn’t seem so excited about talking to me. He mostly talks about his friends and the silliness they put themselves into, and I try to laugh at every funny thing he blabs about. I’m happy that he is happy and I knew I couldn’t ask for more, but, was that all?

Sometimes, he’d ask me how I was doing, and I’d tell him that I’m fine. Just that. I didn’t want him to know about my misery, my pain of missing him, my agony of longing for him. I didn’t want him to know how my heart breaks when a day passes that I don’t hear anything from him. I didn’t want him to see how my eyes bleed with tears that he won’t be able to wipe away. I try to keep up with my innocent laughter. After all, that’s what he loved about me. I never seemed to worry about anything.

His calls dwindled fewer and fewer as more weeks passed by. He had no time to call during Christmas or New Year’s Eve. His phone is mostly out of coverage and even if it does ring, he seldom takes time to answer it. He was always busy and it made me miss him more. What’s worse is, the more I missed him the more demanding I got. He did try to keep up with my demands. That included answering the phone late at night or early dawn, forcing his attention on me despite his sleepy state or giving in to my whims when I flare up or get angry. He tried to be angelic while I was playing devil to him all the time.

Then, one night, he had enough.

It was one of those tantrum nights when I start calling him at midnight and demanding his attention. I do that often. I start crying and accusing him of giving up on me. I would enumerate his past mistakes just to show him how much he owes me. Then I demand a break-up and he would start begging for another chance.

This time, however, there was no room for second chances. Not that I didn’t give it but because he never begged for it again. He gave me up, just like that.

I was struck dumb for a few moments. He went on to tell me how insensitive I was, that I never tried to understand his situation, and that I never cared for his feelings. He told me I was just like those girls who took him for granted in the past – worthless.

I wished I could say more, but my eyes were beginning to show my pain. I was just as worthless as them and it hurt me more for what it meant rather than for how he had said it. I tried to be calm, so I could think. And, when I got my senses back, I thanked him for everything and hanged up.

It was 4 hours before my first period class and I didn’t want to doze off in front of my professor. So I tried to go to sleep, crying.

-TigerLily

(I'm supposed to pass this to the Collage '09. I just can't resist the urge to post this here first!)

New Year - new life (hopefully)

It's been so long since I last looked at this page. The new year has obviously got a lot to do with this. Well, I was sort of cooped up last Christmas. There was no one to share the beach walks with me. Being alone entails its miseries too. Despite having all the freedom to act foolish, there was just no one to mess up with.

People have been quite nasty to me last year. I had lots of sorry memories too. There were some regrets (that included letting go) and some tearjerking moments while facing that damn phone which doesn't ring anymore. I missed being with some friends, quite happy that no one's messing with me and very alone.

Well, this year, I hope things would start to look better. I have lots of promises - all of them broken. I look forward to fixing them. I'm up to establishing life plans and goals after graduation this year and hopefully ( really hopefully) wishing I'd see him again. it's been a long time...

Things got out of hand after he had gone. I can't control anything - especially the agony of missing him. I still wish the teary nights would end. I have vertigo. I'm tired.

But then, if things do get better, I just wish it would be. No matter how hard I try, I'd never get over it. I'd need the will to stop. It would be difficult. But, I'll try to make things normal again.

My wish?

i wish for a new life. Something worth living for. I just need a reason to live, and love freely. I don't know if I could make it, but I'll start to give back.

Then will I know that I could be truly happy.